


Secrets

by danke_rose



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Bad Plans, Drinking, F/M, Illyana Rasputin minor role, Innuendo, Mild Language, Other characters in minor roles - Freeform, Piotr Rasputin minor role, i guess it's angst?, kurtty - Freeform, very light smut/suggestive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 04:17:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19040971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danke_rose/pseuds/danke_rose
Summary: Kitty left Piotr at the altar after realizing her feelings for Kurt.  But she wants to keep it a secret and that's a bad idea.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote and edited this fairly quickly, so I hope there aren't too many errors.  
> The rating may be a bit high for the first chapter, but there are a few situations later that I just don't feel are appropriate for minors. Nothing too explicit (sorry), but the suggestion is there.
> 
> I wanted to write something where Kitty, as in canon, didn't marry Piotr, but for somewhat different reasons. It morphed into this mess of her life where she can't seem to get anything right and she and Kurt both kind of suck at relationships. Oh, and in this version, he never dated Rachel.
> 
> The opening scene is based on the comic where, until Illyana talks to Kitty the night before her wedding, Kurt really is the only one who says if she doesn't want to marry Piotr, she shouldn't.

Kitty poured beer for her Chicago friends at the bar in town, a smile plastered on her face as they toasted her upcoming nuptials. Her insides turned with anxiety and doubt, and she kept replaying her friends' advice.

“Everyone gets nervous.”

“I'd be worried if you _weren't_ nervous.”

“You have cold feet, everyone gets cold feet.”

She didn't think it was cold feet, but everyone seemed to agree that's all it was. She wasn't confident enough about her feelings to disagree with them. Hadn't Meggan gone through something like this before she married Brian? And now they had a little girl and were happily celebrating their fifth anniversary this year. Kitty's wedding was a week away and she was running out of time to decide.

She loved Piotr. She loved all her friends, though, and her love for Piotr didn't seem all that _different_. He was familiar and professed to love her, and had promised he wouldn't cheat on her or kill anyone over her any more. She was pretty happy.

Shouldn't she be more than just 'pretty happy'?

An explosion of air and a dusting of sulfurous smoke behind her brought a real smile to her face, the first of the evening. She spun around and into Kurt's waiting arms.

“I can't believe you're here!” she said, pulling back to take in the welcoming smile before crushing her face against his chest again.

“I'd never miss this, _K_ _ä_ _tzchen_. Especially since Logan couldn't make it, either.”

“You know they're doing something at the school in a few days, right?”

“The wedding?” he hedged, pouring himself a beer, as some of the patrons gathered around to stare.

“No, silly, the surprise party. Bobby sucks at keeping secrets.” Kitty leaned across the bar. “Anybody who has a problem can leave right now. You stay, and you're gonna have a bigger problem.”

A few people seemed to waver, whispering to each other and speculating about how serious she was. Most went back to their tables. She walked through the counter of the bar and stood directly in front of one of the men. “Get lost.” He stepped back, raised his hands in surrender, and left. The rest met the gaze of Kitty's boss, who knew Nightcrawler from when Kitty was in school and he'd visited the bar numerous times on Kitty's shift. He considered him a friend as much as Kitty was. “You heard her,” he said, and the last gawkers departed.

Once all the beer was poured and Kitty had a moment to relax, she studied her best friend—one of only two people in the world she gave such high regard to—and her eyes welled up with tears. She turned back to the spigots and pretended to be cleaning something while hastily wiping the backs of her hands across her eyes, willing them to stop leaking.

The warm hand on her waist meant she was busted. She slouched. “I've talked to everyone, Kurt, and they all say the same thing.”

“About what, _schatz_?

“The wedding. That I have cold feet, that it's normal to be nervous. But...I'm not sure.”

He rested his chin against her head and pulled her against him. She felt so secure and warm and safe and _loved_...this was what she wanted. This was what she was missing, and it suddenly seemed so obvious.

“If you don't want to marry him, then don't.”

“What?” She twisted around in his arms, but he didn't let go. No one had said this to her.

“If you aren't happy, and the thought of marrying him is making you this upset, then perhaps you shouldn't go through with it. I hear it's easier to end a relationship than a marriage.”

“Do you understand you are the _only person_ who has actually listened to me?”

He frowned. “I'm sorry to hear that.” He kissed her forehead. “How do you feel about the wedding, besides nervous? Is it the wedding or the marriage that's bothering you?”

She leaned against him while she thought. Everything seemed so much simpler when he was here. “Both. Promises—the vows—that's serious. I don't want to make a promise I don't think I can keep. And we have such difficult lives...being X-Men...” she let her voice trail off. Even she didn't believe her own words.

“I'm not expert on relationships, as you well know. But I do know that if it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. And if you can't see yourself staying with him then...perhaps it's time to do some serious thinking.”

Kurt hoped he was being fair to her. He hoped he wasn't letting his own feelings get in the way. He wanted her to be happy, that was true without a doubt. But he also loved her—far more than as just a friend—and it was entirely possible that bias was clouding his judgment. He tried to temper it, but his advice kept coming out as ' _don't get married_ '.

  
  


Kitty spent the rest of the evening weighing his words against her heart, and wondering what was wrong with her. All she could think about was how good it felt to be held by Kurt, how happy she felt when he appeared earlier, and how he knew her so much better than Piotr did. She tossed back a last shot, helped her boss clean up, and stood at the door to say good-bye to her friends. She wasn't too surprised that Kurt had hung around. He did that when she was in college and had come to visit her. Back then, she had an apartment a few blocks down, and he'd sleep on her couch and go home in the morning, or the day after. Tonight, she had no couch to offer him.

“I got a hotel room,” he said when she asked.

 _Good_ , she thought. _Then I don't have to offer to share mine. That could get awkward fast_.

They walked out together, and Kurt offered, like the gentleman he was, to escort her to her hotel. He insisted it was so he could talk to her a little more, but she knew he was being protective.

“I've been thinking about what you said all night. You and everyone else. I'm so confused.”

“It's a big decision. I'm guessing you're concerned about making a mistake?”

“Yeah.” She chewed her lip. “Do you...do you think Piotr's _really_ changed? I mean...”

“Do I think he'll cheat on you like he did when he was nineteen? Or try to kill someone in a jealous rage?” Kurt sighed. “I don't know. Only Piotr knows that.”

They reached the hotel and walked up to her room on the second floor. “Thanks for coming,” she said with an uneasy smile. He was so close, so warm, and the liquor in her belly was making things seem a lot clearer than they actually were. Here he was, looking down into her eyes with affection she didn't doubt, and she wanted nothing more than to drown in that, if only for a minute.

Kurt froze when she leaned up and kissed him, but after a heartbeat, he was kissing her back, against all his better judgment. It was just too much to resist, all the years of pining for her, never thinking for a moment that she might care for him as anything but a friend, dear as he may be. Her fingers tangled in his hair and he tasted the whiskey on her tongue. This could only end badly, and he knew it without any doubt.

They'd either end up in bed together, and she'd be miserable and never speak to him again, or she'd realize what she was doing, run away, and never speak to him again. Either way, he realized he was saying good-bye to her.

He kissed her with all the love he'd held back, with all the desire he'd hidden away in his heart. He kissed her for all the dreams he had that were dying in his arms, for all the hopes he once had for just the tiniest possibility of a life with her. Then she pulled away with a gasp of realization, staring up with wide eyes and gaping mouth, stuttering an apology.

“I-I-I don't know—I'm sorry—I have to go—I'm so sorry.” She jammed her card key into the slot so hard it almost snapped, and without another glance, she was gone. He could hear her crying, but there was nothing left to do. He stood there until the warmth of her body had dissipated then teleported to his own hotel a few blocks away.

  
  


Kitty leaned against the door, slid down in a sobbing heap, as she realized what she'd just done. She was about to be _married_ , and Kurt was not only her best friend, but her fiance's best man in the wedding! How could she face him? Either of them? Kurt would never forgive her— _wait_ —he had _kissed her back_. Oh, god, _no_. This was even worse. Whatever his reason, pity or love, it didn't matter. She couldn't face him, she couldn't—what had she just done?

  
  


Kurt barely slept that night. _Not_ kissing her had never even occurred to him, and even if it had, he probably wouldn't have listened. How long had he been in love with her? He didn't know. He wasn't sure when it happened, honestly. He didn't wake up one morning with the thought, it had built slowly, over time, until it was simply part of him, a reality he was already used to when it finally entered his consciousness. Now, she'd probably never forgive him. He should have stopped her, should have done something, _anything_ to prevent it. She was scared and worried, and he was a friend and familiar, that was all, but he had let her kiss him, and he had kissed her back. And not just a little. He knew with absolute certainty that he would have followed her into that hotel room, too, if she'd asked.

  
  


She didn't call off the wedding.

 


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A failed wedding leads to a new relationship. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one seems to be blaming Kitty...

Kurt had learned through the years how to wear a mask to hide his true feelings, and he was very very good at it. He played the happy friend for Piotr and smiled at Kitty when she had no choice but to acknowledge him. She was adept at avoiding him. She never looked him in the eye, but she spoke when she had to, and smiled when she had to. None of it was genuine, and he felt the loss of her friendship keenly.

The wedding day was perfect. Not hot, but sunny, a few puffy clouds skidding across the sky. There was a breeze off the water and the gardenias were blooming and fragrant. Kurt stood beside Piotr, heart in his stomach, false smile on his face, and watched her walk down the makeshift aisle with her mother. She should have looked radiant, he thought, but she only looked sad to him, even with the smile on her lips. Kurt kept his mind on his duty as best man, produced the rings when requested, and swallowed the thickness in his throat that would cause a problem during his speech later if he didn't deal with it.

And then everything halted.

“I can't do this, Piotr. I'm sorry,” she said, and was gone. Kurt blinked at the space where she'd been standing.

“I'd really like to not be here, _tovarisch_ ,” Piotr said.

Kurt shook himself mentally and said, “Of course,” 'porting the two of them back to Piotr's dressing room.

Piotr crumpled into a chair and raised wet eyes to his friend. “What happened? What just happened?”

“I don't know,” Kurt said, hanging his head, because he thought he did, and he was pretty sure it was his fault.

“I think I'd like to be alone for a while,” Piotr said, and Kurt stepped back into the sunshine. It didn't seem as bright as it had a few moments before.

  
  


Kitty phased straight to her dressing room, and from there, to her room in the school, where her mother found her a few minutes later.

“Kitty? What's going on?” She flew to her daughter's side and produced a tissue from somewhere in her fancy dress. Mothers always seem to have tissue.

“I'm _so sorry_ , Mom,” Kitty said.

“It's all right, honey,” her mother gathered her into her arms as Kitty cried.

  
  


Outside, Remy proposed to Rogue, who accepted. Someone suggested they get married right away, rather than let the decorations and food go to waste. Rogue sent Kurt to get permission from Piotr or Kitty.

“I don't think they want to be bothered, and I'm sure they won't mind. Let them blame me if they're unhappy about it later,” he said. The truth was, he didn't want to see either of them.

While Kitty cried on her mother's shoulder, Piotr talked to his sister. Illyana found him in his dressing room and sat on an extra chair. “Why did she do this?” he asked.

“I don't know, Piotr but whatever her reasons, I think it's time to realize she's not the one for you.”

“But I love her.”

“I don't think she loves you, and you deserve someone who does.”

  
  


Kurt had little choice but to join the pre-wedding festivities for Remy and Rogue. He forced a smile and forced laughter and at last, when he saw his almost-sister looking so happy, he finally felt something genuine that wasn't guilt or shame or sorrow. “You look beautiful,” he told her, and it was true. She was beaming, joy seemed to be emanating from her in waves. _This was how a bride should look_ , he thought. Not as Kitty had.

  
  


She shouldn't have been surprised to have people knocking at her door, but she was. Kitty's mother answered the door for her. Teresa glanced back at her daughter uncertainly, but when Kitty saw that it was Piotr, she waved him in.

“Katya?”

“I'm sorry, Piotr. I can't do this, it's not fair to you. Or to me. I love you but...I can't marry you. Our lives are too unpredictable and I just couldn't...”

“If you don't love me, then say so.”

“I _do_ love you.”

“But you do not love me enough to marry me.”

“No.” She said it as gently as she could, but there really isn't a way to tell someone you aren't in love with them that won't hurt them.

The telltale _Bamf_ of Kurt's appearance sounded in the hall, and once again Kitty's mother stepped aside.

“Piotr,” Kurt said, looking only at the tall man, and not at Kitty. “Remy asked me to come get you. Both of you, if you want. They're starting the ceremony in about five minutes.”

“Ceremony?” Piotr asked, squinting.

“They are getting married.”

Kitty actually smiled. “I'm glad,” she said, mostly to Piotr. “The day isn't lost.”

“No,” Piotr replied as he stepped out the door. “Not for them.”

Kurt followed, not even sparing a glance for her. Kitty's tears started again as she realized what he must think of her now. A liar, a fake.

“I can't go, Mom.”

“Then don't.” Kitty had never been so grateful for her mother's presence in all her life. Their tumultuous relationship during her parents' divorce had driven them apart, but time had healed their troubles and as hard as it had been, her father's death had brought them closer together. She was so glad, because her two best friends were also her ex-fiance's, and they had very clearly, and rightly, sided with him.

  
  


Piotr left the following week, returning to Russia indefinitely. Kitty tried to return to her life, tried to run the school, but she felt invisible eyes on her all day long, felt the stares and questions and judgments, and ultimately handed the keys to Ororo and went back to Chicago. Her mother said she could stay as long as she needed to, and Kitty wondered if she'd ever be able to go back.

She'd really mucked up her life. Not only had she hurt Piotr, but she'd hurt Illyana and Kurt and her mother and everyone at the school. They all loved Piotr. Many of them didn't know about the incident in Scotland when he almost killed her then-boyfriend Pete Wisdom. Most of them didn't know he cheated on her as a teenager with a woman who later died. Some of them knew about him sacrificing himself to cure the Legacy virus, and if they did, they thought it made him a hero.

Kitty received a call from Illyana a few days after she unloaded a suitcase of things at her mother's new apartment.

“I'm sorry,” Illyana said. “I never should have said those things to you that night.”

“What are you talking about?” Kitty said, astonished.

“I told you I wasn't sure...”

Kitty and Illyana sat on the roof the night before the wedding. Illyana had expressed concern about the marriage, about her brother and wasn't confident this was a good match. As much as she loved both of them, Illyana could finally admit that Kitty and Piotr might not be meant for each other.

“Yana, you didn't say anything I wasn't already thinking. And...you weren't the only one.”

“Who—?”

“It doesn't matter,” Kitty hedged. “The point is, you didn't cause this. It's not your fault. It's mine, and mine alone. And I'm sorry I hurt your brother, honest.”

“He'll be all right,” Illyana assured her. “He'll go home for a while and get himself together, and then maybe he'll finally move on and stop obsessing over you. I'm glad you didn't marry him. It wasn't healthy the way he was.”

“Oh,” Kitty said dumbly. “Okay.”

“Call me if you need anything.”

  
  


Kurt was in hell. And he should know, his father lived there. It was one of his favorite jokes, but it wasn't amusing him today. He was in hell, and he was sure he'd never get out this time. He'd ruined Kitty's life and in the process ruined his own, and Piotr's too, most likely. All because he had no self-control. He didn't know how to deal with the thought of her hating him, or of Piotr finding out as he inevitably would. Somehow, the X-Men always found out. _Verdammt_ telepath gossips. Piotr would probably try to kill him.

There wasn't anything he could do about that right now, with Piotr in Russia. And he couldn't do anything about his own misery, aside from live it. But maybe he could apologize—ha—to Kitty and somehow ease her pain. Maybe if she knew it was _his fault_ , she wouldn't feel quite so guilty, and maybe she'd be able to move on. He'd be left behind, but that was a given at this point.

He didn't call ahead to Chicago.

  
  


The buzzer sounded while Kitty and her mother were making chocolate chip cookies. Kitty didn't want them, but her mother insisted she help make them. Teresa went to see about the door while Kitty continued molding sticky dough into balls and pressing them onto the trays. She heard muffled voices, then the door shut, and she started to look up to ask her mother who it was.

His hands were shoved into the pockets of his pants, and his tail drooped so that she had to fight the urge to go to him and ask what was wrong.

“Hey,” she said.

“Can we talk?”

Her mother, behind him, was nodding emphatically, so Kitty washed her hands and left her mother to finish the cookies. She took him to the spare room, where she was staying, and shut the door, but not all the way.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and offered him the little chair, but he chose to remain standing. “I came to apologize to you. I know it's not enough, and it doesn't help the situation much. Or at all. But...maybe if you know...maybe you'll be angry at me instead of...I mean, that assumes...”

“Kurt,” Kitty sighed his name, beginning the same conversation all over again. “It's not your fault.”

“ _Ja_ , it is, I am the one who told you not to marry him, and I am the one—I am the one who—” he lowered his voice, “who _kissed_ you.”

“Uh, _no_ , I kissed _you_ , and that was my fault, too. And you were only saying out loud what I was thinking in my head like always.”

“ _Nein_ , no, I shouldn't have—I could have stopped you, I _should have_ stopped you, and I didn't. I didn't have to kiss you back, I didn't have to kiss you like _that_.”

She hung her head, weary of arguing already. He was wrong, of course, but he was stubborn, so she let him continue blaming himself. She'd have to argue again later, but she was emotionally drained and she didn't have the energy right now.

His hands in his pockets tried to dig their way to his feet, and his tail had wrapped around his leg, as he stood motionless in her temporary room. “It is my fault, and I won't let you take the blame. The truth is, Kitty, I've been—” he took a deep breath and reminded himself she was already avoiding him. She was already gone, and he literally had nothing left to lose. “I've been in love with you for a while now, and that is why I said those things to you and that is why I kissed you back. It was selfish, and it was wrong, and I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking _you_ made a mistake when it was mine.”

Kitty's heart flipped and her hands felt numb. “Could you say that again?”

“All of it?”

“No...just the...just the _love_ part.”

“I'm sorry,” he said instead. “I really am. I tried so hard, but I couldn't help it. I thought I was keeping it in check, I thought...” he shook his head and shuffled back a pace. “I messed up, badly, and you're paying the price, and...and I am _so sorry_.”

She had her face in her hands and her mind was racing. It was silent for a long time, while she tried to get her breathing to slow and her heart to stop beating wildly in her chest like a silly schoolgirl. Finally she said, “I love you, too, okay? Stop beating yourself up.”

The door shut loudly and when she looked up, he had backed into it. He fumbled his hands out of his pockets and opened it and went out. She heard his voice in the kitchen, and he returned with two glasses of water. When he passed her one, his hand was trembling.

“I should've addressed this with myself sooner,” she said when the water was gone. “I kept telling myself it was just a silly crush, it was just because you were safe and kind and took care of me, but it's not. It's more than that, and it just took me too damn long to figure it out. So just please stop blaming yourself already.”

“But if I had been honest with you about my feelings—”

“Stop it, okay? I can't deal with your guilt _and_ my guilt _and_ figuring out the rest of my life and all of this right now.”

“Sorry.”

“ _Stop_.”

“I—okay.” His hands were back in his pockets again, and he shifted from foot to foot. She stared at the floor, and then at him, and wondered when she'd stopped seeing him as an oddity and started seeing him as a man. A handsome man, at that. Handsome and sexy, she edited.

She picked her head up. “I'm going to stay in Chicago for a while. I don't know how long, but I don't think I should try to run the school or date anyone for a while. I need to get my head together.”

“Of course. I didn't come to ask anything of you.”

“I know. I just wanted to tell you.” The sob surprised her and she covered her face, even as Kurt started handing her tissues.

He didn't know what to do. He was afraid to touch her or comfort her, but he felt like a jerk just standing by while she cried hysterically. Finally he crossed the two steps to her bed and put one hand on her shoulder.

“What is wrong with me? I'm a mess, I'm—why do I do these things? Piotr, Pete, Peter, Piotr—god is there anyone in my life with any other name? Maybe I should have stayed with that version of Prince William we met cross-time. Yeah, I have a _great_ dating history.”

He sat down at last. “You didn't date your sister.”

She spat out a laugh and tipped her head up in shock. “Oh, Kurt.” She put her arms around him and hugged him, and felt again that overwhelming sense of security and love.

“I do love you,” she said, her voice muffled against his shirt. “But I need some time, I don't want to mess this up. You're too important. Losing Piotr is...lousy. Losing you...god, the last week has been so awful. I thought you must have hated me, and I felt so stupid and guilty.” She inhaled shakily. “I can't mess this up.”

“I would wait a hundred years for you, _Kätzchen_.” He kissed her head. “I'd be very old, and sex would be out of the question, but I would wait.”

She laughed again and wiped her eyes. “You want some cookies?”

“ _Ja_ , I would.” She kissed his cheek and they went out to the kitchen where the cookies were cooling on wire racks.

 


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitty thinks she has a plan. Unfortunately, it's a terrible plan. Kurt goes along with it against his better judgment, and you can imagine it won't end well.

She stayed in Chicago for three months. She talked to Kurt on the phone, but he didn't visit. She said she needed time and space, and he agreed. Jumping into a relationship too soon would inevitably end in disaster, and she had weathered her share of that.

“If you change your mind, it's all right. I won't hold you to anything you said three months ago when you were grieving a lost relationship.”

“I haven't changed my mind. I feel like I finally know what I'm doing.”

She came home, expecting a lukewarm reception at best. What she got was a crowd of her friends all welcoming her back with open arms and expressions of support, telling her they had missed her and they loved her. She wondered if Kurt had anything to do with it, but he looked almost as surprised as she was.

She met with Ororo over the course of the next couple days, to get back up to speed with the school's situation. Logan and Bobby, surprisingly, were heading up two of the teams and they were both doing surprisingly well. Gambit had a third, smaller team going as well, but they weren't very busy.

At the end of the week, she went to Kurt's room to talk. She knocked, waited, knocked again, and he finally opened the door, damp and shirtless. “Sorry,” he said, “I was in the shower.”

“I can come back,” she said, feeling flustered again. Dammit. She'd been prepared to talk and be serious, and here he was shirtless and wet and...damn.

“ _Nein_ , it's fine, just give me a minute.”

She sat on his couch chewing her lip while he went back to the bedroom. He returned, dressed and dry, thank goodness, and maybe she could concentrate again. It was as if, once she acknowledged her feelings, they'd kicked into overdrive, and all she could think about was kissing him again.

She cleared her throat and said, “Do you still want to try this?”

“Yes. If you do.”

“Okay. I do. But I, um, I think we should take it slow. Molasses slow. I don't even want to tell anyone anything right now-slow.”

“All right. May I ask why?” Keeping relationships secret wasn't generally a good idea, in his opinion. But if she had a good reason, he might go along with it for a while.

“I don't want to mess up,” she said, repeating her earlier fears from Chicago. “I can't lose you. Almost was bad enough. And I'm afraid that when word gets out, they'll all think I left him for you. I don't want them to blame you, and I don't want them to think badly of me, either.”

“So deception until you think enough time has passed?”

“It's not so much deception as...failure to share information.”

He scratched his head. “All right. I'll go along for now. But I register my dissent.”

“Okay, fair enough. Well. Part of what I told Piotr really is true. Our lives as X-Men are really complicated and dangerous, and dating is hard at best and impossible at worst. I don't want to promise something I can't follow through on.”

“What do you mean? Do you not want to date at all?”

“No—yes, I want to date, but I might...I might not ever want to get married.”

“All right.”

“You're okay with that?”

“ _Ja_ , but what if we make it to a hundred years?”

“By then, why bother? You couldn't get it up then anyway, so a honeymoon would be a waste of money.”

He laughed, more at the blush creeping into her cheeks than at her joke. “I don't need to marry you.”

“Okay.”

“Anything else?”

“I don't know if I want kids, either.”

“ _Kätzchen_ , all I want is you. If you want me, too, I will be the happiest man in the world. I don't need a document to bind us, and I don't need children if you don't want them.”

“Really? But...but you _like_ kids.”

“I do like children, but I _love_ _you_. And I would rather spend the rest of my life with you by my side than choose someone else just to have offspring. I don't _want_ anyone else.”

“Okay.” She nodded. “I know that was all kind of...heavy for the start of things but after this with Piotr it seemed like something I needed to be up front about.”

“It's fine,” he said and glanced at the clock. “There is time for a movie. Would you like to stay and watch one?”

“Sure.”

He chose one they both liked, made popcorn and sat down at the end of the couch.

“What are you doing?” she asked from the other end.

“Taking it very, very slow. I figure next time, I can sit on the middle cushion.”

She threw a piece of popcorn at him, but he swatted it back with his tail. “Don't you know it's rude to throw food?”

“Fine,” she said, turning sideways and sticking her sock feet in his lap. “Stay down there.”

He abandoned his popcorn to rub her feet, tossing her socks at her face to make her smile. She was still entirely too keyed up since the wedding. He decided his goal over the next few months or years or however long she planned to drag things along like snails racing, would be to make her happy again. At least some of the time.

Something wasn't sitting right, and Kurt couldn't put his finger on it. No, he could, but he was trying to ignore it. It was the wrong way to start things. He should have told her no. He should have made her wait until she was ready, not let her convince him with half-arguments that this was a good idea. Once again, he let himself be drawn to her by his heart rather than using his head. He had a terrible feeling it was not going to go well for him.

  
  


She was completely serious about taking it slow. She let him kiss her, but only enough to call it a kiss, not enough to send them over the edge, fumbling at their clothes and tripping over their feet towards the bed. No, these were almost chaste, more frustrating than not kissing her at all. She wanted to keep things quiet for a while about their relationship, especially at the beginning, especially with Piotr still gone and the team missing him so much. She continued to insist that it was for the best.

“I don't want them to think you did this. That you somehow stole me out from under him.” She explained again her reasons for not saying anything, and he acceded. Again. He didn't kiss her at breakfast or dinner or when he returned from missions. He didn't do _anything_ he normally would have wanted to do—hold her hand, tell her he loved her, kiss her—and it bothered him more each day.

It went on like that for several weeks, and he started to wonder about those hundred years. He went to bed frustrated or uncomfortable, or took cold showers after she left—sometimes warm showers—to try to assuage his desire. He reminded himself this was only the physical part of it, and the rest of it was far more important. He knew that on a fundamental level, but his body didn't seem to care much. That part was annoying, but more than that he hated pretending she didn't mean any more to him than anyone else. Maybe he should suggest they take a break. Step back again until she was ready.

  
  


When she leaned over on the couch one night and put her hands on his face to kiss him, he thought he must be dreaming. This was the way he wanted to kiss her, with love and passion and affection. _Finally_ , he thought, _finally_. He could kiss her like this for hours, he thought, as he tasted her lip. He pulled her closer, running his hands through her hair and relishing the warmth of her body pressed against him.

She broke away and his heart sank.

But she said, “I think we've taken it slow long enough. Make love to me.”

He had her in his arms, practically leaped over the couch and laid her on his bed so fast she actually looked frightened. He steadied himself, kissing her again for a long time before moving on.

“You're sure?”

“I'm sure.”

He pulled off his shirt and lifted hers to kiss her belly. She stifled her moans with her fist, and he gave her a puzzled look.

“I don't want anyone to hear me.”

“I don't think they'd care even if they could hear you, _liebchen_.”

“ _I_ care.”

“Ah,” he said, realizing she meant they were still a secret. In that brief moment, most of the pleasure flew right out of what he was doing. He resumed kissing her, apathetic now, and feeling like a fraud. He slipped her shirt off, all the while thinking that their first time was going to be tainted by this feeling of...what was it?

He sat up, running his hands over her stomach. “I...I don't think I want to do this tonight,” he said.

She pushed up to her elbows. “Okay. Is everything all right?”

“ _Ja, ja_ , I just...I'm not ready for this right now.” He sat up. “I don't want to keep hiding what I feel for you.”

“Oh.” She reached for her shirt. “Well. I'm not ready to make it public, so. Um. I guess we'll wait then.”

“I suppose so.”

  
  


Weeks passed, and he grew more frustrated. Maybe there was something else going on. Maybe the reasons she gave him weren't her real reasons at all.

“Why are we still keeping this a secret?” he asked over dinner in his apartment.

“I don't want to give the team the wrong impression,” she replied, sounding as if she'd memorized a speech. “It hasn't been that long since I left Piotr at the altar, and to be with you so soon after seems wrong.”

“Does it?” he took a snapping bite of his dinner.

Kitty glanced up. “Yeah, as if I couldn't wait to jump into bed with the next guy.”

“I see.”

“You still don't agree.”

“I do not. It's been over six months since you and Piotr broke up. How long is long enough? A hundred years?”

“I don't know. I just know I'm not ready to tell them yet.”

He let his fork drop with a clatter. “I don't think that's it at all.”

“Excuse me?”

“I think you're embarrassed to be seen with me. I don't fit your perfect mold. Is that why you're suddenly attracted to me? Because I _don't_ look like all your exes?”

“That's not fair!” She stood up, palms on the table. “That's not true at all.”

“No?” He said, then more kindly, “Then tell them about us. What are you so afraid of?”

Her lip trembled. “I—I just _can't_ yet. They don't understand why I left Piotr, and—”

“And what?” She didn't answer, and he shook his head. “I think you should go, Kitty. Come back to me when you're ready. If you ever are.”

He didn't look at her. He sat in front of his half-eaten dinner with his head in his hand and waited for her to shut the door so he could shove it onto the floor. Thank god for cheap plastic plates.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kitty probably should have stayed in Chicago a little longer.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conclusion. Looks like Kurt has had enough. Will they manage to work it out or has Kitty gone too far?

Kitty spent most of the night trying to understand where she'd gone wrong. Again. He thought she was ashamed of him, and that wasn't it. Was it? She tested the idea. No, she wasn't at all ashamed of him, she was ashamed of _herself_ , her inability to speak up, her inability to be honest with Piotr, or Kurt, or herself all this time. Now she was being dishonest with _everyone_. And yet, she couldn't seem to find an easy way out.

She played the coulda-woulda-shoulda game, chiding herself for not breaking it off with Piotr sooner. She kicked herself for kissing Kurt in the first place. Had she made just one decent choice, she thought, none of this would be happening right now. She wondered briefly if Hank was still messing around with time travel.

Kurt avoided her skillfully the following day, and by evening she was willing to stake out his room. She brought a book and sat outside his apartment door. Of course he didn't come by, but she heard him inside at last, and knocked.

He opened the door but said nothing.

“Can we talk?” she said.

“I think I've done enough talking for a while. I love you. You know that. You say you love me. I...I don't know if you do or not, but I'm tired of being your dirty little secret. Good night, Kitty.”

This was worse than she thought.

  
  


Kurt was in hell, and he should know. He was beginning to hate his favorite joke. She didn't put up a fight at all. She let him shut that door on her, and she didn't demand he let her in, didn't argue, shout, stomp her feet, pound on the door. She just walked away. He felt as much a fool as he had the night he kissed her in Chicago. He should have known. Hadn't he dated enough women to know a rebound when he saw it? What hurt most was the idea that she was embarrassed by him. It seemed obvious to him that's what was going on, that she didn't want anyone to know that she'd rebounded with a _demon_.

He volunteered for every mission that came up and stayed away from the house as much as he could. Inevitably he'd run into her now and then, and she ducked her head and gave him a wide berth. He wished she would fight with him. He knew she had a temper, so where was it? She'd fought with Pete Wisdom often enough, over anything and everything. Why not him? Was it because she didn't care? Of course she didn't. The bitter reality of the situation was suffocating. She was no different than any other woman. He wasn't important, and never had been. He was simply an out.

Kitty spent most of the long days in her office. She adjusted the school schedule, assigned academic advisors, paid the bills, wrote letters of recommendation and acceptance and interest. She cleaned and organized and did everything she could think of to stay out of his way until she could figure out how to salvage things.

When the alert lit up her desk in the early morning, she was sitting there, and saw the feed as it came in. Typical alien threat, heading for New York—nothing new—weapons of mass destruction, blah blah blah. She sighed and scheduled a meeting. It would probably be the first time she'd seen him in over a week. These meetings were going to be the only time she saw him now. All her years on this team or Excalibur, Kurt had been there, a constant in her life she'd taken for granted for too long. She'd let that expectation lead her to make a terrible mistake. She hadn't considered him at all. It was as if he hadn't even been part of the relationship. She wondered what she was so afraid of. It wasn't her teammates. That had been an excuse, and a poor one. On the floor in her office, she was finally completely honest with herself. She was afraid of love. Of opening herself up to someone else and letting herself be vulnerable. Better to let the relationship break and fall apart than risk anything. But she'd lost anyway. She hung her head and started to cry.

She blamed the tears on fatigue, and then forced herself to admit the truth. She was sad. She missed Kurt. She had taken a messy situation and made it worse. The weight of her loss settled into her bones and made her even more weary. Perhaps that was why she finally gave up the illusion.

  
  


Kitty still had a meeting to attend. She splashed water on her face and waited until most of the pink had faded. Gathering her data, she headed to the conference room. Most of the senior team members were already there. Only Logan strolled in late. She'd been going through the motions of her life the past few months, letting her personal failings determine her course. It wasn't working. It was a bad plan. She intended to change that, starting right now.

She pulled up a slide show of the data they'd been sent, and rattled off the list of alien strengths and weaknesses. She reviewed the usual tactics and reminded them to keep the civilians out of it if they could. She really wanted to avoid another angry phone call from the Mayor.

“Any questions?” she said when she finished her presentation.

“You don't seem too invested in this, Half-Pint,” Logan said, chewing the end of his unlit cigar. Kitty stared at him. Leave it to Logan to pick up on everything.

“Yeah. I'm not. The truth is, I don't really give a shit about the aliens right this second. But I have to care, or people will die. So I did my job.”

Kitty stood up. It was time to do the right thing at last, regardless of the consequences. “Logan's right. I haven't been invested in much of anything lately. But I intend to correct that. Right now, what I care about most is that I let all of you down. I lied to myself about Piotr, lied _to Piotr_ , lied to everyone, because I couldn't face the truth about my feelings. I love Piotr—just as I love all of you. But that's not enough to sustain a relationship. The truth is, I should have ended things with him a long time ago. I know you think about Piotr, and I know you miss him, and I promise I'll do what I can to get him back.” She tried not to watch Kurt's face at the far end of the table. He had his head down anyway, hiding his expression.

Kitty continued. “I haven't been honest about a lot of things lately, and because of that I hurt my friends. But mostly, I hurt my best friend. I didn't want anyone to know the truth, because I was ashamed of my mistakes, but I was being selfish and I wasn't thinking about how that might make him feel. I couldn't marry Piotr because I'm in love with Kurt.” She let the words hang in there air for a moment. He still didn't move. Maybe it was too late, but at least in the end, she could sleep at night. At least she would have finally done the right thing.

Adrenaline made her feel tingly and light-headed so she sat down. “I don't know where we stand anymore, Kurt, but I love you. It's not any kind of secret. I'm not ashamed to be with you and I never was.” She wiped her eyes, unsure when she'd started crying. “So that's it everyone. Go defeat some aliens and save New York. You know what to do. You don't need me to tell you.”

They didn't move. They turned, almost as one, to stare at Kurt, who picked up his head at last and promptly disappeared in a cloud of brimstone.

And reappeared beside Kitty. He crouched in front of her chair and took both of her hands in his. “ _Kätzchen_ , I love you. I said I would wait a hundred years for you, and I meant it. If you need more time—”

“I don't. I just need _you_.”

He leaned up as she bent to meet him, and he kissed her. Kitty didn't hear the sounds of the team getting up to leave, or their expressions of happiness.

“No more secrets,” she said. “I'm sorry.”

“We both made mistakes. Shall we try again?”

“Yes, if you're willing.” She stood up, embracing him tightly.

“Kiss before we go ruin the aliens' day?”

She leaned up and pressed her lips to his, not chastely at all.

  
  


 


End file.
